Chris Flett | GhostCEO Blog

A few weeks ago, a couple of fellow coaches and I were talking about professional women and external affirmation. It is my premise that as a woman ‘feels’ stronger in business, she is less likely to fall victim to being ‘baited’ into a fight. With over 4,000 women now having taken part in the Ghost CEO program, I recognize that business people, regardless of gender, are always watching what those around them are doing. When I was younger and less self assured, I was quick to openly fight with anyone who I thought disagreed with me. As I started to enjoy success, I realized that I didn’t need to have everyone like and agree with me. I needed to present information that I wanted to put forth and was past justifying my intention or reasons to anyone. I believed that those that the message resonated with would take from it. Those who didn’t wouldn’t.

Recently, as you might now from a recent post, I was on a show with a handful of women. Some were very self assured and others were either overly animated or overly aggressive. Both types are, just like their male colleagues, showing their insecurities on their sleeves. After the show, I was on a conference call with two male partners and the ‘personalities of the show’ came up in conversation. One of the guys thought that the women I described were likely paid actors, but I assured them that both women had companies. Then when a female colleague joined us on the call, she said that the more insecure a woman is, the more likely she is to fight. She said it was likely that the women who had attacked would also be monitoring my blog to see if I had said anything about them. The four of us conceived an experiment to see if our female colleague was correct. If I were to ‘bait’ the three aggressors into a bit of a verbal back and forth after the show, who would fall for it? Being a guy that gets baited on a weekly basis by various critics, I was interested to see who would engage. I added a bit of fuel to the fire in regards to the bait and needless to say, two of the three took the bait.

In just a matter of a day, one wrote me two emails (one very long and one short) on this blog to share with me justifying that she is always animated and that this was her ‘norm’. She is animated both when her parents have an anniversary or when her little one says a new word. I felt sorry for her having to write that email and the effect that an ‘animated’ description had on her week. I actually thought I had pulled some punches when describing her in the blog. If you see the show clip, you’ll know what I mean. Then she followed up with a second email telling me that she was taking it personally. Aside from providing me with her resume of experience (which was uninvited and still failed to impress) she portrayed herself as the girl who wants to be liked. My guess is that at some time she was excluded for her actions and wants to prove how wrong everyone was. She referenced themes in my book that she hasn’t read yet which I thought particularly disappointing.

The second nip came from the more unprofessional of the crew. A woman who, through difficulties in the corporate world, started her own business and is a ‘maniac on a mission’. She, in one form or another, convinced producers a week after the show, to post a blog on their site, rebutting my position and stating that I wasn’t prepared for her. She mistakes candor for unpreparedness. Not only did she embarrass herself on the show, but again in the blog posting. I had considered taking a run at her on the show, but I would have been buying into her taunting and would have become the stereotypical Alpha Male and we would have both looked foolish. Instead I allowed her to interrupt me and place her argument. As she was acting like a petulant child, I thought to myself, “this is a woman who is targeting professional clients to coach with her to be inspired. Not sure what Alpha Male clients think of this performance and how that might reflect on their organizations, but time will tell.” I’m not familiar with any of the names on her client list. Our coaches will be moving into Arizona at the end of this year and I’m interested in what reputation is in place for her company. As it is a small world, I’m sure we will cross paths again and I’ll be interested in if she is still in the ‘us against them’ mindset.

Both women took their shots and then waited, watching to see what was going to come up. The third of the crew has obviously more important things to do and has decided not to take things personally and instead continue on work that she feels is important. My colleague proved all three guys wrong. While we believed that when the show was over, everyone on the show would go back to doing business, she told us that the two looking for ‘tv time’ would be looking for other ways to ride that wave until the end.

In business, you aren’t going to like everyone you do business with or come across. The one lady offers a body language service that makes no sense to me and I can’t for the life of me understand who employs this service. It is fun to watch on television, but the ’steepling’ of hands is something we now do in our business meetings as an ‘inside joke’. The second lady would likely enjoy greater success by focusing on advancing her message with integrity and getting past the need to ‘war’ with men. All of us agree that her passion, if put into a more positive model, would be inspiring. Instead it supports the stereotypes I lay out in my book. Was she insecure about not having a book? Was she set up by the producers to be this ’storm of anger’? Did she intend to contradict herself during the show? She plays by her own ‘playbook’ which just happens to be an exact match for the Alpha Male play book. Is it a coincidence? Did she really believe that when Donny said he would do business with her, he was serious? It might be in her interest to have a colleague show her tape to someone that doesn’t know her and ask if they want to sit through meetings with that personality. Again, I like to think that she turned it up for television and isn’t like that in day to day operations. I’m prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sadly, neither woman has read the book and neither are likely to do so. Instead they think that I need to be made wrong in order for them to be made right. This is the old way of doing things and very ‘old school Alpha’. For me, it proved my point to my fellow coaches. If you can allow yourself to be engaged into a fight, you allow yourself to give up your power to the person you need to ‘make wrong’. In business, it isn’t personal. It is in fact just business. It isn’t that I don’t like either of these women. I don’t know them. I simply don’t respect what they do or how they do it. My opinion. If they let themselves lose sleep over this or plot on how to make me more wrong, they are inadvertently giving up their power. In 60 minutes of programming, between the two of them, they were able to fulfill the following stereotypes:

Making excuses, not getting to the point, expecting fairness, open attack, wearing masks (mother, geisha, bitch, man), take things personally, not understand business endorsement, not have a plan b, and basically, showcase what happens when a woman gets mistreated over years in business and decides that she has to be overly aggressive to take back control. By doing so, she loses control. I had contacts after the show ask me if she was a paid actor. Sadly, she wasn’t.

For you:

In your work this week, be aware of people trying to engage with you on things that don’t matter. You don’t have to try to fight and convince others to accept you or agree with you. By keeping your integrity and deciding who you interact with, you control the situation, not them. By looking to further engage, you are chasing a dead horse. Keep your fights for when they really matter and when they don’t, just ignore them. If you allow yourself to get baited into a fight that has no winners, you eat up time and energy that could be better spent building your business, developing your career, and striving ahead. Failure in the corporate world is an exception to the rule, not the rule. No one can run you out of business unless you let them, so stay true to what you know is right and engage only when you can see a favorable outcome for yourself.

When you see someone trying to engage, consider the following questions:

• Is that person bringing past baggage to the situation?
• Is there a point to this fight or are they just trying to suck energy?
• Are they acting like they are out of control?
• Do they act like they have confidence or are their actions representing their loss of confidence in themselves?
• What is their interest in the fight? (In the case of this show, I’m assured that it was a dying need for tv time which would happen by being a ‘character’)
• Is there any point of engaging with them?
• Do you need to make them wrong in order for you to know they are right?
• Is letting them run on going to in turn have them ‘Deep 6′ themselves?
• What are the spectators thinking of the other person’s performance?

Only pick fights that matter and have a measurable benefit to you. If you see someone baiting you, ask the above questions before engaging with them. Do not let them pull you into a fight. If there is no advantage to your participation, let it go, and let them set themselves up for what business in inevitably dole out to them. Remember that every dog has its day so choose yours wisely.

Best,

Chris.

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